Saturday, March 10, 2012

Losing someone you have never met

It was a wonderful Saturday morning! I had had suspicions, but had waited to take the test until Matt returned from a business trip. As I suspected we were expecting our second child! The day soon turned into a wonderful family day full of joy and hope for what the future will bring. We went out for breakfast and celebrated.

It was wonderful.

We reflected on that most amazing day when Hannah was brought into our lives and joined our family.

We dreamed of what it would be like to welcome this new little one into our family and oh what a great big sister Hannah would be!

Unfortunately we had to say goodbye to our little one and these specific dreams this time this past week.

The other Sunday was a busy day but a good one. Matt had been the guest speaker at a local church here in Halifax for their Sunday night service and had done an amazing job. He was challenging people on the power of their story. In light of how this all unfolded I feel like I would be wrong not to share our experience.

It was funny, but leaving the church I actually had the thought "if I lost our baby it would be okay, God would help us through and it would be okay".

I had no reason to have that thought. But an hour or so after we arrived home I saw what I never hoped to see while pregnant. I had experienced a slight amount of spotting.

It was very very little, and I had no cramps and a doctor's appointment to go over everything the next day so I decided to wait.

At the doctor's, since there had been no more bleeding, and everything looked well so the doctor said to me over and over that it was likely nothing. Pregnant women have bleeding all the time and often times go on to have healthy babies. She was confident this would be my story. And yet just to be sure she would take my blood to check and schedule an early ultrasound (more for our peace of mind so since it was no an emergency one it would likely be awhile before we heard anything about that).

My blood work from Monday was positive. My HCG levels had risen exponentially as they should, so from as far as they could tell the baby and I were doing well. I also was feeling quite pregnant that week. I was feeling nauseous and certain parts of me were so tender it was a challenge to hold Hannah too close.

I think it was Thursday that we got the call that our ultrasound was booked for Friday. We were excited. I wrote in my journal that I was anxious a little knowing that there was always the potential still for something to be wrong but I was glad we had the appointment earlier than expected!

Soon after I wrote that I experienced more bleeding. My hopefulness that had been building that week started to fade. In my heart I had a feeling our ultrasound would be our answer we did not what to hear. But at least we only had to wait one day for a concrete answer of what was going on with our little baby we had grown to love.

That said, our for sure answer in our ultrasound, turned out to be inconclusive. However, during my doctors visit that afternoon she told me she suspected I was experiencing the start of a miscarriage.

Sure enough, soon after we returned home I knew the doctor was right.

That week was a roller coaster of emotions kind of week.

I am glad that I experienced the spotting that first Sunday. Although likely unrelated medically to the miscarriage, it gave us more time to process and work through the possibility of loosing our baby.

All along since we learned we were expecting again we prayed that God our protect our baby. In our minds that meant protecting it from complications and having a healthy baby soon to hold in our arms. I believe God answered our prayer, just not how we pictured it. Because I was almost 9 weeks along the baby likely had some physical problems and that is why the miscarriage. I believe that God knew the whole picture and believed it was best to protect our baby from a lifetime of suffering. That faith gives me peace.

Another fact that helps is reflecting on my family.

(left to right: myself, older sister Karissa, younger brother Nathan and sister Tara)

My mom had a couple of miscarriages between myself and my sister Tara. I know it was hard for them to go through, but now looking back I can't imagine our family any different! If my mom had not had those miscarriages Tara and Nathan would not be here. Reflecting on how awesome my family is and how God had the perfect plan for us, I rest in the faith that God has the perfect plan for our family to come as well! 

Does it still hurt? absolultely. 

Do we wish it didn't happen? of course. 

Will it be okay? without a doubt. 

God sees and knows things we don't see now. He is a good God and He cares for us. We rest in His love during this difficult time. Knowing that if we don't get to hold our baby, at least our little one is resting in even better hands! 

We are  so thankful for the friends and family that have supported us and prayed for us during this journey. 

It is a process and I know it is one we are still working through, but I'm glad we aren't alone. 


  1. Oh Rachel. I know you said you weren't looking for sympathy but I am so sorry to hear this and I hope you are okay. I envy you your faith at this time because I know it would be much too hard for me to believe it was for the best if that were to happen to us. I'm happy that you can see it that way and that it is helping you and Matt get through it. Get some rest and I can wait to hear about your next pregnancy. I'm sure it will be soon :). Thinking of you!

  2. Josh and I are so glad you, Matt and Hannah are part of our lives. We cry when you cry and of course, we will rejoice when you rejoice when you tell us the good news someday soon! I know God has amazing plans for your family and little brothers and sisters for Hannah!

  3. may God continue to renew you each moment with His grace and perspective. continue to cling to Him. and may He grant you peace and patience as you eagerly anticipate meeting your child in heaven one day, along with your other brother/sister(s).

    love you guys and we're standing with you in this painful time.

  4. thanks for sharing this Rachel. i wish i could give you a big hug.

  5. Rachel, thank you so much for sharing your experience. My heart aches at the thought of what you had to go through, but appreciate your perspective. I will keep you in pray and trust that God will get you through this time. With love, Jamie

  6. Rachel, I'm so sorry you and Matt are going through this. It's such a difficult thing to go through and yet, I felt so sure of God's Sovereignty and His love for us when Jamie and I went through this as well (before Noah). I'm so thankful He is being your comfort and strength. Praying for you guys as you navigate through this tough time.

  7. Thank you all for your kind words.

  8. Hey Rachel. I'm so sorry to hear of your miscarriage. My heart goes out to you. I myself have been going through a roller coaster of emotions having just recently been diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy. It was my 2nd pregnancy. My first was actually what they call a molar pregnancy, so we're still waiting patiently to have our first child. I wrote about it on my blog if you're interested. The songs listed on "The Music" page really helped me work through some of the pain/emotions/grief.
    God will not abandon you and He will bring you through the healing process.

  9. My friend you are so brave.
    Sending love and prayers to you and Matt

  10. Rachel, I'm so sorry. I'm thankful for you sharing this. I'm sure you are ministering and encouraging others as you openly walk with God on this. What a beautiful example you are. I experienced a miscarriage recently as well and have been private about it just given our life situation now but this post really ministered to me. Thank you!