Losing someone you have never met

It was a wonderful Saturday morning! I had had suspicions, but had waited to take the test until Matt returned from a business trip. As I suspected we were expecting our second child! The day soon turned into a wonderful family day full of joy and hope for what the future will bring. We went out for breakfast and celebrated.

It was wonderful.

We reflected on that most amazing day when Hannah was brought into our lives and joined our family.

We dreamed of what it would be like to welcome this new little one into our family and oh what a great big sister Hannah would be!

Unfortunately we had to say goodbye to our little one and these specific dreams this time this past week.

The other Sunday was a busy day but a good one. Matt had been the guest speaker at a local church here in Halifax for their Sunday night service and had done an amazing job. He was challenging people on the power of their story. In light of how this all unfolded I feel like I would be wrong not to share our experience.

It was funny, but leaving the church I actually had the thought "if I lost our baby it would be okay, God would help us through and it would be okay".

I had no reason to have that thought. But an hour or so after we arrived home I saw what I never hoped to see while pregnant. I had experienced a slight amount of spotting.

It was very very little, and I had no cramps and a doctor's appointment to go over everything the next day so I decided to wait.

At the doctor's, since there had been no more bleeding, and everything looked well so the doctor said to me over and over that it was likely nothing. Pregnant women have bleeding all the time and often times go on to have healthy babies. She was confident this would be my story. And yet just to be sure she would take my blood to check and schedule an early ultrasound (more for our peace of mind so since it was no an emergency one it would likely be awhile before we heard anything about that).

My blood work from Monday was positive. My HCG levels had risen exponentially as they should, so from as far as they could tell the baby and I were doing well. I also was feeling quite pregnant that week. I was feeling nauseous and certain parts of me were so tender it was a challenge to hold Hannah too close.

I think it was Thursday that we got the call that our ultrasound was booked for Friday. We were excited. I wrote in my journal that I was anxious a little knowing that there was always the potential still for something to be wrong but I was glad we had the appointment earlier than expected!

Soon after I wrote that I experienced more bleeding. My hopefulness that had been building that week started to fade. In my heart I had a feeling our ultrasound would be our answer we did not what to hear. But at least we only had to wait one day for a concrete answer of what was going on with our little baby we had grown to love.

That said, our for sure answer in our ultrasound, turned out to be inconclusive. However, during my doctors visit that afternoon she told me she suspected I was experiencing the start of a miscarriage.

Sure enough, soon after we returned home I knew the doctor was right.

That week was a roller coaster of emotions kind of week.

I am glad that I experienced the spotting that first Sunday. Although likely unrelated medically to the miscarriage, it gave us more time to process and work through the possibility of loosing our baby.

All along since we learned we were expecting again we prayed that God our protect our baby. In our minds that meant protecting it from complications and having a healthy baby soon to hold in our arms. I believe God answered our prayer, just not how we pictured it. Because I was almost 9 weeks along the baby likely had some physical problems and that is why the miscarriage. I believe that God knew the whole picture and believed it was best to protect our baby from a lifetime of suffering. That faith gives me peace.

Another fact that helps is reflecting on my family.

(left to right: myself, older sister Karissa, younger brother Nathan and sister Tara)

My mom had a couple of miscarriages between myself and my sister Tara. I know it was hard for them to go through, but now looking back I can't imagine our family any different! If my mom had not had those miscarriages Tara and Nathan would not be here. Reflecting on how awesome my family is and how God had the perfect plan for us, I rest in the faith that God has the perfect plan for our family to come as well! 

Does it still hurt? absolultely. 

Do we wish it didn't happen? of course. 

Will it be okay? without a doubt. 

God sees and knows things we don't see now. He is a good God and He cares for us. We rest in His love during this difficult time. Knowing that if we don't get to hold our baby, at least our little one is resting in even better hands! 

We are  so thankful for the friends and family that have supported us and prayed for us during this journey. 

It is a process and I know it is one we are still working through, but I'm glad we aren't alone.