We don't see it all

For the last little while, Ive had a certain thought in my head often. That thought?

"I can't imagine life without him!"

"him" being our little man, Owen.

This is an old picture from a couple months ago, but it captures him so well I couldn't pass up posting it! This is Owen, full of immense joy, huge smiles, lots of motion, chubby legs, pure joy to be around!

I could not love this little boy more. He's not perfect. He's totally stubborn sometimes (a trait our kids get more from me, but I am determined will be a great asset when they are older when put towards the right things!), but overall, most of the times, he's incredible! 

He has added to our family in such a wonderful way. I can not get enough of the sound of sibling little giggles at each other. Hannah was the first to get the deep belly laugh out of Owen and by far still gets the most laughs! They adore each other! 

She adores him!

Here's the thing though. The flip side to my thoughts lately is going back in the past and reflecting. Reality is that if we had not had the miscarriage last year, we would have a little 1 yr old right now (assuming if not the miscarriage they would have been born without a life altering diagnosis). I can't even imagine a different baby or our family dynamic that way now. And I don't think I'm supposed to. 

I am not saying that I'm glad I had the miscarriage. It was heartache to loose a baby like that. But what I am saying is that I am grateful that even though I don't see it all, I have a heavenly Father that does. 

Our baby we lost is thriving more than thriving in Heaven right now. We grew in our marriage going through that experience. We grew in greater sensitivity and understanding in the tragedy of loss in a way we couldn't have without experiencing it. God used it to strengthen, teach and use us. 

And months later, God blessed us with another pregnancy. A healthy, full term pregnancy where we got to have this incredible little man become a part of our family here. 

Owen's birth in so many ways was a blessing. The timing (which we did not "plan", all we knew was we wanted another baby) was amazing, as it actually allowed Matt to take some paternity leave and we had some wonderful time as a family to make memories and adjust to life as a family of 4. (I know I had a list of other things, that I can add later, but its escaping my mind at the moment.) 

Ar my cousin's wedding in Florida - the start of our road trip of a life time!

The thing is, going through the miscarriage, having a little man I can not picture my life without and seeing how God used everything in between and is continue to use - it all makes me trust even more in God's sovereignty. I trust in God's character. How He is loving, trustworthy, has our best interests at heart, and so much more. I don't see the whole picture. And although sometimes that drives me crazy, simply because I like to know, I know God's sees it and He's got the best plans. He will work it all for good (not always by our definition in the moment mind you). 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:27-29. 

So I look back and look ahead and keep going, trusting in my Savior and enjoying the moments I have been blessed with. 

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An awesome pic taken by Matt's sister at thanksgiving, capturing Hannah and Daniel's love for running!